in the shadow of Your wings, Hide me. (editted)

I feel so suffocated.
Pressured. Trapped. Forced.
All I want is for everyone else to BACK OFF.

Everything seemed to be going so right.
It still is.
But I don't want this daydream. I don't want to go on living like this.
I want my focus-driven self back, even if no one cares. Even if they're the ones tying to pull me away from achieving it.
I've got a better measure of myself than anyone ever will. And that small part of my brain that hasn't been dented is screaming, "What on earth do you think you're doing?!?! Get back on track now, you out-of-control maniac!"

I don't want this smile to be the only thing in my life right now. I want and I need more substance than that. I'm not shallow. I'm not willing to sacrifice my time, my studies, my family relationships and my love for God on top of everything else just because the rest of my friends are so obsessed with it. I don't mind walking away. I don't mind losing the high I get from it. Because I know myself better than that, and all I want is good for me.
This is as far away from "good for me" as smoking is.

It's not that I don't want this. It's not that I don't want you. But why do things keep coming in package deals? Why are complications always the cons? All I asked for was the simplest of sparks. But when I got it, everything else exploded on me.
Be careful what you wish for. Because God loves pampering His children, especially the little ones. You're gonna get more than what you ask.
I don't have the choice to keep it simple anymore. Because simple this is not.
If the world was my stage, my life would be a drama series. And it's up to the audience to interpret it the way they want. I play the part the way I feel it should be played, that's my job done and I don't care what other people think. (Thick skin, that's what we got from that. XD) I'm in this role because He knew I could handle what it was going to bring on me.
But I just can't expect everyone else to be able to cope with me. I wish they knew that the only way out is to change their own attitudes.

"Life is not a problem until you make it one." -Marcia Yap
People choose to make things more complicated for themselves. Everything is so simple. They just don't want to see that.
I can work with anything. I'm not sensitive. I'm not picky. You choose to think that way; you make me what you think I am. People think I'm like a ticking bomb liable to explode at any moment. Ha. If they think this is explosive, they have not been shot off the face of the earth yet.
Some people are soo touchy. I suppose they just have nothing better to do.

Thanks to my darling, ballet-pro, way-too-skinny, cheerleading-obsessed flyer of a sister who was happily using the computer yesterday afternoon, I just got 10 bucks of credit for free.

No, it is not a good thing. I am going to feel so guilty if I don't use it back on him.

I already feel guilty for the fact that it was snuck into school illegally and Li Hui was freaking out about the fact that there was going to be a spot check and it was in the hands of a student sitting next to a prefect.

No more free credit. Understand? No more.

I am never going to let a guy buy me credit ever again.

Unless I deserved it. ;)

Every one of my friends is so hurt. It hurts me just to see them hurt like that. It hurts to know the reason why and not be able to do anything about it. It hurts to not be able to give advice they could use. It hurts not knowing what to say.

But I can't solve their problems for them. Those are not mine. I'm the one making my life the problem-free fairytale that it is right now. And just because they're problem-fied, that doesn't mean I have to be problem-fied too. I'm perfectly content being problem-free.

You guys will live through it. People always do. X)

second time.

Settled. (:
Thanks, Jason. For starting it. XD
Even though I still don't approve of the streetfighting. =.="
But whatever.

Here we go again. If I read your mind, I would. But I can't.
Hey, if I could get involved in politics, I would too. But I can't.
Unless I want to end up in juvenile ISA.
If I could blog every time I felt inspired, I'd have a lot to say.

Like how A(H1N1) could be the subject of biological warfare.
And that racial bias is one of the biggest possible factors contributing towards it.
Bet you never thought of it that way, huh?

But right now, I'm more concerned about the fact that I have to attend to JYM, Taekwondo, CF and the drama team next year. And figure out how I'm supposed to handle posts and carry responsibilities that require at least 99% commitment in everything. At the same time. And on top of all that, I have to get used to the Form 4 syllabus. And deal with the fact that Lyn won't be there to "chill" me anymore.

Did all the training in the world prepare me for this?
Puh-lease, I can handle this.
I hope.

Omigosh, I need Leong Li Hui and Vanessa Chew NOW. I can't deal with this alone. Not my emotional balance on top of everything else.

If I sleep now, will it all be over by tomorrow morning?

sharing and caring.

Eelaaaaine!
She's in Penang at the moment. And unfortunately, so is her camera.
Aan-knee-weiz...

Yesterday. I couldn't wake up. After reading Aunty Bernadette's book until two in the morning. But I managed to get to Eelaine's on time. Carmen was already there. Li Hui was going to be late.
We didn't start without her. As if we even wanted to start. So what did we do?
Held StoryTime! I love our StoryTimes. :) Carmen had a shocking one to share. X) And Eelaine's was so cutee! (It's his birthday today! Must give those Kisses.) Then Li Hui called. She couldn't find her way to Eelaine's house, so we had to go pick her up at the taman.

Me, Eelaine, Carmen, Li Hui

Eh, do you guys know where 81 is?

No...didn't she say which taman?

Huh? How many tamans are there?

Maybe it's this one...this is 80...

Wait...what car does she have?

Some big black car, I think.

I don't see a big black car anywhere.

Are you sure it's this taman?

Maybe we should call her and ask her to come out of her car.

*Sammie calls Li Hui.

Hello? Li Hui? Are you at the taman?

Yes, I'm here.

Huh? Really? We're here, too.

Really? I can't see you all.

Err...can you come out of your car?

Oh okay. *Ends call.

She said she's coming out of the car.

I don't see her...

Oh no. I think we got the wrong taman.

Wait, she said she's near Yew Ee, right? Is the other taman there?

Oh yeah...it is...

We better hurry, her dad sounded mad...

Oh no, what if we got her in trouble?

We finally found her. (Li Hui, your dad is scary.)

Went back to Eelaine's house. Then Li Hui told her camp stories! Okay, then we finally started on our project.

Started cutting up whacking the gula melaka on the cutting board while it was stuck on the knife. Carmen managed to cut her finger as well. Took turns to fry the peanuts. Eelaine's mom came in while it was Li Hui's turn and turned up the fire. Which burned the peanuts. (No offence, but your mom really doesn't know how to make fah sang paeng, Eelaine.) Carmen and I at least had some cooking experience.

Then we made the onde-onde dough and started putting in the gula melaka pieces. Well, more pieces went into our mouths than the dough. X) Yum. Then we started shelling the peanuts before deciding to go for lunch.

Eelaine's mom: So, do you girls want to go for lunch already?

Yes, I'm starving!

No, I ate too much gula melaka.

Eelaine and Carmen had to drag Li Hui and I away from the peanuts to get us to go for lunch. XP While we waited for Eelaine's mom, Carmen, Li Hui and I got a good look at his house. :) We couldn't make enough noise for him to come out though.

Then we went to McD's for lunch. McValue Meals are so over-priced. Oi, the cashier was not flirting with me, okay. =.=" And we saw Pn. Ting, Kerwin, one of Li Hui's tuiton friends (who thought we were sisters? :P), Sheng Yong and Cherissa! :) We had lunch upstairs. Then we started camwhoring in the playground. XP And all the little kids started laughing and talking about us. XD

After that we walked to SaveMart. Imagine yourself as one of the SaveMart workers. What would you think if you saw four crazy girls posing with packs of peanuts, flour and milk? ROFL. XD Then we walked back to Eelaine's house. How we managed to get back when none of us had any sense of direction is up to you to figure out. We started shelling peanuts as we watched TV. :) We were so behind schedule.

After that, we actually made the onde-onde, peanut cookies and started on the apam balik flour. The onde-onde and peanut cookies were okay. Then Li Hui had to go. (See you tomorrow!), and we started on the apam balik.

That was a complete disaster. I'm never using the recipe again. Ever. We had to add so much more water and milk than stated and it was still so rubbery. But at least Eelaine made it look okay, and the excessive sugar, peanuts and corn made it taste better. X)

Then I had to go homee. With all my baking stuff, saving Eelaine the hassle of bringing it on Monday. :) Have fun in Penang, dear. We'll demand to know all about it when school reopens. =P

Omigosh, school's reopening.

I think we wasted most of our time talking about PeaNuts and Gene and Watermelons and Gene and Basketball and everything else. X) But, at least we know each other better.

Carmen. I checked. He posted. After your post. Now you can go omigosh.

I feel like baking a cheeezecake! You guys were right. Whoever marries me is going to be so lucky. XD

What's wrong with me?

Wish I was so over it.

Well, now she's hooked on you too. See the kind of things you do.

See the kind of hurt you're going to cause for us.

And you don't even know, do you?

rawr. (editted)

This feels so weird. Can you believe I've actually been spending the past four days completely at home?! I haven't pulled something like this off since...since...I don't know when. Definitely not since a year ago. This is so surreal.
I can't wait for school to re-open.
I can't even wait for Saturday.
Well, maybe I can. I just definitely can't wait to get out. This is so not me.
They're leaving for Penang tomorrow. And they're leaving for Selayang on Monday.
If my mom hadn't grounded me, I'd be on two back-to-back camps.
*sighs. One week off JYM is already mind-numbing. One week off everyone else is suicide.
At least...Sammie's got her call-answerable phone back! Well, it isn't exactly mine, which is still in the hand phone repairs shop. But at least I even have a call-answerable phone.
Not like any one's calling me. With the exception of an additional stalker, a.k.a. customer no. 3.
I feel so jobless. The past few days have been full of cleaning, cooking, drying laundry, folding laundry, ironing laundry and doing whatever else it is I'm slaving away at for my mom. And trying unsuccessfully to compose a song that's worth my time playing. And questioning the Education Ministry.
Like Aaron LXT says, it's like I'm living life during the emergency coup after May 13.
That's how sad it is.
Oh wells, tomorrow will be here soon enough.

The move by the Education Ministry to limit the number of As attainable to 10As for an average SPM-student is definitely not big enough a stride to raise the standards of academic acheivement in today's secondary schools. And will it be a step in the right direction to raise the quality of our As, as opposed to quantity (which they have, yays for them, come to realize will get us nowhere)? It disappoints me to read that Marina Mahatir, after consulting top foreign universities, finds that, with what appears to be academic excellence in our country, students must still take remedial classes overseas to catch up with their peers.
If you didn't understand that, never mind. Here's something else:
Raja Petra Kamaruddin's Most Sincere Apology to the Nation *click*
My flicker of faith stands nowhere compared to this man's firm stand in his belief and everything he speaks for. But maybe someday it will be.

it isn't wasted.

I do not believe I got a B for Science.
Because I didn't. Not until I get my paper back and prove I deserve an A.
Freedom is such a scam. So they say exams are over. I still:
- have projects due next week,
- have trials in two months,
- have PMR in five,
- can't go for JYM activities,
- only played the guitars because my mom went out,
- am in "popular demand" (Thanks so much, Jit Sun. . . not.)
- have to perform for Teacher's Day,
- can't skip classes,
- and don't have my phone.
But at least I:
- can still go for practice on Monday night,
- got to go for CF,
- am almost done with my History project and halfway through my Geography one,
- don't have to worry about their "issues" anymore
- have a employed spy who stalks my stalkers for me and doesn't even take any charge (although I should pay him, considering the resources he spends),
- and get to see Darren tomorrow! Yays. =)

Somehow, this morning, memories started flooding my head. Maybe because I was dreaming about the '08 team for two nights straight (don't ask me why it's in my subconciousness). Or maybe because they were one of the things I wrote about on the back of my KH paper, which I passed up. (o.O) I don't know.
But do you guys still remember the launching? I remember volunteering to head it during our '08 team party, after the 2nd training camp. (And that's why you guys started asking me to take up stuff. =.=") I was like damn stressed out for that whole month, and Crystal and Roeshan were the only two people who made an effort to help out with the presentation. The week before the video launching, Alan and Aaron West took me to the park in front of SK Kampung Tunku with ayam panggang and roti John and more Ramadhan food to discuss the Stomp because they thought it was that weekend and they were freaking out. :) And then we found out the SS1 park had no tap. XD That weekend, I was so dissapointed. Especially on Sunday morning. I could have cried, if Darren, Beatrice, Crystal and Jac weren't there. I nearly did that afternoon, I so wanted to with Beatrice.
The next week, we did the Stomp, hakka and Shalala. And it was awesome, obviously. X) Angeline wasn't there with us. She didn't even see it. I wish she had.
I remember the feedback we had during the Core Team meeting. =) One of the '06 girls said there was evem an auntie humming the Shalala in the bathroom. XD

Randomness. :)
Look, my hair is not that short, okay. It'll grow. And then I'll just have to...cut it again! XP

to find a recording studio. (editted)

Viewing Without You, by the SIC Youth Rally Outreach Team of 2008.

The best part of reminiscence is when all those old people suddenly spring back up in your life again.
Like just the other day, I messaged Sharvind to wish him happy belated 15th because he so thoughtfully called me for my birthday last year when I’d forgotten all about him. (Thanks for reminding me, Bananie-O. XP) I miss him and Jian Min as much as I miss the Munks, wei. (Remember the retarded slang we came up with in the middle of ’07? Lols.) And then on Sunday…I was almost not late for class, after spending time catching up with Roeshan, Crystal, Augustine, Vanessa, Roger, Angeline and Jordan. Nicholson too, I think. I just miss them too much sometimes. Training camp stories. =) And Augustine and I skipped the gathering. Like, one of our only times ever. Actually, my first time skipping since I started going for them. Then Darren came back. =D I miss him so much, too! Even though it was only, what, two weeks. I even miss Vanessa. After staying up the whole of that Saturday night to talk, I still have so much to tell her. Sitting next to Joshua in mass is…annoying.
By the way…to both parties referred to above, (I mean party as in groups of people, not party as in the actual parties, okay), my mother grounded me.
I shall not spew vulgarities like a foul-cratered volcano. I bet you’re all doing that for me.
It’s a long story. One which I will so have to tell Vanessa if we have time to sit down at the mamak. But then, my mom put some kind of ban on me ever going for JYM activities ever again. I mean, she’s always had mood swings, but now…I don’t even want to be within ten-metres from her unless there’s a solid wall separating us. Really long story.
Oh wells. What can I do about it.

I love the time of the year when people react to my latest hair cut.
Basically, it’s always: “You cut your hair!”
JeAnne: Sammie, why did you cut your hair?!
Chrishen: Yalah Samantha, why did you cut your hair, huh? (=.=”)
Nick Sta Maria: Did you do something to your hair?
Roger: *The mess-up re-do. (As usual.)
Eelaine: I don’t see Samantha any more! But you look prettier somehow. (This Eelaine is so random lah. She made a bookmark for me for no reason at all. XD Thanks.)
Bassy and Meredith: You look so much better, keep it that way! It’s good.
Daniel(la): No...Gloria!
Wai Phun: Your hair is so…short. (Wow, it could only take a genius like you to figure that out.)
But the absolute best reaction of all has got to be this one smart guy.
Aaron LXT: Samantha, how could you?! You terrible person! You just had to get your hair cut like that. I can’t stand it. Stop impersonating my mother!
ROFL. XD

The Science papers were awesome! As in awesome = basically easy. I finished Paper 2 in half an hour, slept and wrote love songs about Li Hui and Eelaine's love lives on my calculator's cover because I didn't want to write on my hand. XP Today's sotong was too salty. And I saw . . . . . . =) I still remember the first time we met...*reminiscence again.

oh tranquil simplicity, where art thou?

If you sat me in front of the most terrifying thriller movie right now, I would probably fall asleep within the opening credits. But I can’t afford to do that. I don’t even have the time to study. I so need to finish my Geography and History course work and actually start packing my bags. For when? Tomorrow afternoon. Wow, how well I coordinate myself. *voice drips with acidic sarcasm. And what have I been doing for the past few hours? Reading a free online download of the first book of Meg’s Cabot Mediator series.
And continuously running up and down the stairs to answer calls from Chrishen, who is freaking out and making me freak out too. After all the "chilling" I tried to put myself through last Thursday, and thinking this would all be so simple compared to that, this is what I get for it?! Apparently so. Some peaceful weekend to escape from my projects and revise in serenity.
But there are still major things to thank God for:

1. That my computer has been resurrected and is now free of the cyber world’s A(H1N1).
2. That the Canadian pizza people came on time with the toaster, buntings, and most importantly, 40 pizzas. (By the way, did you know that a pizza toaster is like, three times the size of a regular microwave?! Imagine how huge their ovens are!)
3. That Chrishen and I didn't skip class.
4. That Beatrice, Beatrice and I managed to finish selling thirty-nine pizzas with profit.
5. That we cleaned up the cafeteria.
6. That Michael kindly gave me about 20 packets of those sinfully delicious chocolate brownies, F.O.C. Yum… =)
7. That, on a stiflingly warm Sunday afternoon, three girls managed to find shade beneath a tree beside the community centre. And there they sat, enjoying the extra seafood pizza, brownies and chilled pink guava juice as they plotted the torture of their juniors for the following weekend. (Junior is definitely not the right word. I mean, more than half of them are like, older than me. Whoa. I’m growing old too fast!) X)
8. That my dad fixed the D-string on the classical guitar so I can now play with that guitar when my fingers hurt from the Kapok.
9. That I'm finally getting my own guitar. X) About time. Although I would be better of with a new phone.
10. That tomorrow is almost here and I to go for camp the weekend before exams! Yays.
11. That I managed to at least open my revision books. Even if I didn't really read them.
12. That I finally got my sore throat to the perfect intensity to get half my sexay singing voice back. XP And that I have limbs to dance with when I lose that voice.
13. That I found the props box and will never let it out of sight again until I empty it.
14. That I'm sitting with a bunch of such awesome, love-struck girls who know how to take my mind off other things. =P
15. That life is not as complicated as people make it out to be. And that I have friends to tell me so when I forget. =)