Pressured. Trapped. Forced.
All I want is for everyone else to BACK OFF.
Everything seemed to be going so right.
It still is.
But I don't want this daydream. I don't want to go on living like this.
I want my focus-driven self back, even if no one cares. Even if they're the ones tying to pull me away from achieving it.
I've got a better measure of myself than anyone ever will. And that small part of my brain that hasn't been dented is screaming, "What on earth do you think you're doing?!?! Get back on track now, you out-of-control maniac!"
I don't want this smile to be the only thing in my life right now. I want and I need more substance than that. I'm not shallow. I'm not willing to sacrifice my time, my studies, my family relationships and my love for God on top of everything else just because the rest of my friends are so obsessed with it. I don't mind walking away. I don't mind losing the high I get from it. Because I know myself better than that, and all I want is good for me.
This is as far away from "good for me" as smoking is.
It's not that I don't want this. It's not that I don't want you. But why do things keep coming in package deals? Why are complications always the cons? All I asked for was the simplest of sparks. But when I got it, everything else exploded on me.
Be careful what you wish for. Because God loves pampering His children, especially the little ones. You're gonna get more than what you ask.
I don't have the choice to keep it simple anymore. Because simple this is not.
If the world was my stage, my life would be a drama series. And it's up to the audience to interpret it the way they want. I play the part the way I feel it should be played, that's my job done and I don't care what other people think. (Thick skin, that's what we got from that. XD) I'm in this role because He knew I could handle what it was going to bring on me.
But I just can't expect everyone else to be able to cope with me. I wish they knew that the only way out is to change their own attitudes.
"Life is not a problem until you make it one." -Marcia Yap
People choose to make things more complicated for themselves. Everything is so simple. They just don't want to see that.
I can work with anything. I'm not sensitive. I'm not picky. You choose to think that way; you make me what you think I am. People think I'm like a ticking bomb liable to explode at any moment. Ha. If they think this is explosive, they have not been shot off the face of the earth yet.
Some people are soo touchy. I suppose they just have nothing better to do.
Thanks to my darling, ballet-pro, way-too-skinny, cheerleading-obsessed flyer of a sister who was happily using the computer yesterday afternoon, I just got 10 bucks of credit for free.
No, it is not a good thing. I am going to feel so guilty if I don't use it back on him.
I already feel guilty for the fact that it was snuck into school illegally and Li Hui was freaking out about the fact that there was going to be a spot check and it was in the hands of a student sitting next to a prefect.
No more free credit. Understand? No more.
I am never going to let a guy buy me credit ever again.
Unless I deserved it. ;)
Every one of my friends is so hurt. It hurts me just to see them hurt like that. It hurts to know the reason why and not be able to do anything about it. It hurts to not be able to give advice they could use. It hurts not knowing what to say.
But I can't solve their problems for them. Those are not mine. I'm the one making my life the problem-free fairytale that it is right now. And just because they're problem-fied, that doesn't mean I have to be problem-fied too. I'm perfectly content being problem-free.
You guys will live through it. People always do. X)
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