dream BIG.

I have come to the conclusion...
...that I must study chemistry (harder).
If such a career prospect is to ever remain on my list of options.
But for now, I think I'll rely on my taste buds and self-discernment.
(Sheridan's. It is unofficially on my birthday wish list. Unofficial because I don't have a wishlist.)
I also figure that it is going to be even harder for me to ever find, much less secure, a scholarship to study for any of my career options. Yes, maybe even harder than dentistry. Well, sure you could arm me with a certain amount of knowledge from a certain course, but I'm sure it wouldn't be exactly what I needed to succeed. Then again, I suppose I wouldn't want to be brainwashed into thinking a certain way when what's required of me is originality and creativity anyway.
I think I should start concentrating on chemistry, just so I'd have a back-up plan.
Yersh. (This doesn't excite me.) It's time to call on my better-associated-with-chemistry friends/soon-to-be part-time unofficial tuition teachers.
(Oh joy! I just Googled my chemistry-related career option and found I can actually study appropriate courses in Subang. :D)
(Oh no. I just Googled my other career option and the first thing that came out was that "courses on so-and-so will make you lose money because you can get that much out of any book". =.=" Fine. I'll take care of it myself, thank you.)

*          *          *

I have also come to the conclusion...
...that humans will always be just that. And that we are the humans we are because other humans make us so.
Mianhada, Saranghanda.
(I actually found someone to use those words for. *smiles*)
But I know I haven't been very considerate, or helpful, or...everything else.
And I'm sorry.
I'm just slightly wrong in the head confused.
You know what, I think I'll just face it.
I am wrong in the head.
And scared for myself. And the people around me.
Are you scared for yourself?
Oh never mind. Don't mind me. You see, I have lost it. I don't even know what I'm saying.

At least I know what I'm eating and I also know it's not good and that John Lim would probably have a FIT if he saw me now. Haha. X)
But I like milk. And I'm sure it won't stop me singing. ;)

It's Barney and Friends. ;)

Two people I know and love.
Two ends of the world.
By the end of this one month.

1. "Boyfriend". ;) I'm gonna miss you loads, even if I might not be missing you the most. And not just because you are a valuable resource. Eheh. I remember there was once you took me out with your other "girlfriend" and she wouldn't move. Ahahaha. You're blessed to be loved so much, you know? I bet you'll be happy to meet up with him Down Under. :) I would. All the best! God's got an aweosme plan for you, and you're gonna rock it. \m/ You already do. Thanks for everything. And I do mean everything.
2. I won't miss you. Ahahaha. Just kidding. I will. But then, I haven't seen you for the last couple of months and I haven't really been missing you much thanks to the miracle that is the internet. :) Well, maybe I did miss you while waiting for your reply. Haha. Thanks for everything too, especially for your time and thoughts. I didn't know composing an email was so energy-consuming until I started emailing you. But no worries, I've never thought of it as a futile effort. :) You'll do great in the Land of the Free, I'm sure. Just stick close to God like you always have, and He'll pull you through. :)

Thank you, sweetheart. :)
Even though I don't really know you either and had no idea what you were talking about.
Ahahahaha! So adorable lah you.
"You just broke up? Wanna talk?"
No, sweetheart. Hahaha.
But thank you anyway. :) You made my day. *Hugs.*

Let's say our goodbyes.

for un-confusion.

I never had to wish.
'Til now.
I wish I had more credit to message him because he's the only person who still talks to me sincerely.
Even if he might not understand me.
Even if he's going to be like her and not have an opinion of his own or be like him and ask me to just "go with the flow".
Well, face it, I don't want to go with the flow because I'm sick and tired of flowing in what I know is the wrong direction and I am not going to wait to hit rock bottom before turning around when it is possible for us to turn around now.
Things just aren't the same as they were a year ago, when I still had someone to stay up until four o'clock in the morning with while sneezing under my blankets but refusing to go to sleep just so we could stay up and talk. (And also because the chalet room was so freezing cold, and it wasn't worth sleeping for two hours just to wake up at six the next day. But then we'd learnt from our massive headaches back at The Farm.)
I used to be on the same wavelength as a lot of people, but I guess we've changed. At least it hasn't torn us apart. Half a year superglued us enough for that. I don't think I'm still on the same wavelength as her either. But still. It'd be nice to actually have time for someone and have that someone have time for you. I miss her too. Ten minutes per month isn't enough.
Her words drove a hole in my heart and made me start wondering whether it was really worth having a best friend at all. But I suppose at times, we're human, and we can't help being selfish with each other. Even if it meant her hating everything that meant the world to me? Maybe not.
I don't know what to think anymore. But I don't want to think the way he does. I don't think the way he does. Even if it's worth listening to.
So what can I do?
I'm not so easily satisfied anymore.

If I see Orion's Belt, do I get three wishes?
I wish.

memories could just be all we have left of you.

I didn't hear.
I didn't see.
I didn't know. For an hour.
I didn't think. 'Til eight hours later.
Which was when I just sat there at my dinner table in shock.

I saw this picture a few minutes ago, taken about half a year ago.
There they were, being idiots like they usually are.
That was the day he drove us out his new shiny Mercs to go pick up Josh's car.
I remember what idiots everyone was in the car.
Except me, of course.
"Dear diary...what retarded friends I have."
Hahaha. :)

I remembered, just barely a week ago.
"Come, girlfriend. Let's pray."
So we held hands, and prayed, and then he gave me a hug and then I said, "We can do this!"
And then we led praise and worship. And there I was thinking he talked too much sometimes. But it didn't bother me, because I know the kind of feeling you get when you just have a lot to tell Him.
It could have been one of the last times. But it wasn't.
:)

And then I remembered the first.
I still remember our last two songs.
Where she came to the rescue. :)
And then he told me the whole time up there his face was like, "Shit."
I think mine was too.
Haha. :)

And to think we almost lost him.
I think we would have lost ourselves too.

So I looked up at the stars one night and thought of just how enormous they were, and how we, small as we were, could still see them from a billion light years away. And I thought of the God who hung them in the sky, one by one. And I thought of how someone who had to tend to such great masterpieces still had so much power and love to enfold one little small black sheep in his arms through that ordeal.

Thank you, Lord. For that split second in which not even a prayer could have been said to save his soul. Because it was not what we could have done that could have ever stopped him from being harmed. It was you and your love for him.
:)

Really. Thank God you're alive.