A glass shard of reality.

Somethings were never meant to be.
Like a futsal team captiancy.
Like directing a high school story.
Like reaching for far-fetched dreams.

When you're on the other side of the fence, they seem like pretty respectable challenges.
After crossing it, you know those "respectable challenges" were nothing but stupid decisions.
But heck, you're stuck with them anyway.

Swallowing it, trying to move on.

I don't understand why I'm still being loaded with responsibility because I've obviously proved how irresponsible I am.
I don't understand why I'm still doing what I'm doing. In fact, I'm not sure if I'm doing anything at all. I don't think I am.

Some things were never meant to be.
Like "minkie".
Like you and me.

As little as I have, I believe I deserve less.

Bleats and treats.

Baa baaaa, (Dear Augustine,)
Baa baa mehhh baa meh baa baa? (Have you thrown your phone in the drain?) Mehhh baa baa MAEHHH. (Remember, it's an ELECTROLYTE.) Baaaa meh baa baa meh baaa! (You need the electricity to charge your phone!)
Mehhh, (Love,)
Baa-ba-ba-baa (Sam the Sheep)

11.30 pm.
Aaron Mathew: Eh Sam, what's the latest you've ever reached home?
Sam: Midnight. Why?
Aaron Mathew: Okay, we'll try to beat the record. Augustine, go slower!

We went so slow that there was nearly "zero resultant force". XD

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! XD HAHAHA. XD HA. XD HA. HAHAHA! XD
That's what you get when you sit in a car with Aaron Mathew and Augustine.
"Just give him THE SIGN."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! XD
Honestly, I wondered how Augustine could drive when we were all cracking up like hyenas. XD

Minutes for those three hours are FOUR pages.

Debate is tomorrow. I'm nervous, excited and panicky at the same time.
I think this is the most normal I've ever felt.
Let's all wear burqas and eat granola bars. \m/

I'M INSPIRED.
By a runny nose, headache and absolute refusal to do my homework.
God is really weird sometimes, you know.
But still. :) No more (song)writer's block. :)

(I still don't understand Chemistry. I'm going to fail it.)

musically magical.

26th June 2010; Day 1 of SIC Musical Concert of Love

Got there. Chitter-chatter.

Hair:

I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED CURLS. Which my hairstylist of the day knew of course, being my counterpart. ;) Sam & Sam. :) I’ll get the picture. Although it can get extremely annoying having a hairstylist with the same name as you.

Ai Li: Sam!

Other hairstylist: Sam!

Sam & Sam: Huh?

Who on earth were we supposed to look at?
The camera. LOL.

But Sam made me look so...glamourous, rich, fussy auntie-ish. Well, I can’t describe it as well as Adrian Koo, who actually liked my curly hair. (Ha. Only because he could keep bouncing my curls the way he thought I should have done.) Or Ben, who liked it too. (Because he wanted to see me flick my head diva-style more.) But I didn’t have anything against it either. Because regardless of however I looked, I’d always wanted curls. ;)

Makeup:
My makeup artist was so sweet and smiley. :) So I smiled at her too. And told her she could use any colour on me, which was one of my better decisions because the purple was pretty. :)
Reahersal:
We pulled through it, then relaxed. And ate a lot.
If heaven is a place on earth, I have found it. It is wherever those absolutely mouth-watering chocolate pastries are. YUMMM. :)
But then of course, I ate too much and couldn’t take any dinner.
“Dinner”:
Sat with Ben, Bernard, Lampard (I know I told you this already, but do you ever have an awesome name!), Ken Ny and someone else I forgot to ask the name of (but I’ll find you on Facebook sooner or later). Chitter-chatter. And then I finally decided to have a leeetle bit of noodles.
THIS IS IT!
The nerves didn’t kick in, probably because there were other people feeling it for me. ;) And of course, it is always a comfort to see Mr. Lee sitting at the piano in front of you, smiling especially when you do something right.
But being onstage is all about the art of lying, and you’re a star once you’ve mastered it. So I smiled, with my eyes, when I couldn’t do so with my mouth. I moved, like I was enjoying the song. Was I? I supposed I’ve mastered the art if you thought so. ;)
Oh, but it was funnn. :) Crazy and fun. Somehow having Rachel Lai behind me with her amplifier voice was very soothing. X)

27th June 2010; Day 2 of SIC Musical Concert of Love
Took a cab to McD’s with Jac. Bloody expensive! If only we’d know Vanessa Pillai would be stopping by, and Aaron West ten minutes after that. But no matter, it was fun to not have a ride back and walk from the KJ McD’s to SIC. ;) You have to try walking on the grass on the way to the LDP pass the Caltex station. :D It’s soft, fuzzy and makes you feel like you’re walking on a long stretch of super bouncy cushions. “I’m walking on sunshine, yeah yeah!” Then we passed Beatrice’s. :) Then we crossed the overhead “restaurant” bridge. Heh. And...we made it back to church! With just a handful of fries left. X
Hair:
Sam didn’t do my hair this time, but I liked it way better. So much less auntie-ish. :) And the curls were gentler, with less hairspray. Although I have decided that the hairspray smell is really very nice because it brings back such nice memories and heralds those to come. :)
Makeup:
Another sweet makeup artist did my makeup this time, although everyone kept advising me to go for the pro that made Michelle Nynam look like a total godess. (“When you look into her eyes, you can see the night sky.” – Michelle Lai) But it was fine. :) And I asked for green this time, just to try it. ;) Miss Makeup Artist did a double take. “Green???” Hahaha. X)
No reahersal.
Lepaked. Camwhored. Chitter-chattered. Ate more pastries. Yum. :) Then went off for mass with Jeanne, Joanne, Ai Li and Ke Li after we got Alex to sneak a few sandwiches into the changing room. XD We tried not to draw attention to ourselves; we tried. But I don’t think it worked.
THIS IS IT – AGAIN!
We were so off form! (But I don’t think anyone really noticed, so I shall not parade the fact.) Most of our free time was spent snapping pictures backstage. And eating. ;) I’ve learnt from Arthur Lim. That some things aren’t worth fussing over unless you know you and your voice are dying. :) The finale was awesome, as were the two encores (thanks to, who else? Marc Philip). \m/ Woo...woo... XD I’m not sure if that’s “professional” but I still find it so ridiculously FUNNY. Ahahahaha!
And that was the end.
Yeah, right. =.=" We tore down the stage with all the three day’s worth of hard work and effort and splinters and sweat, slid the partitions and locked them back in place, moved the whiteboards back to the classrooms, stacked up and pushed back the chairs, swept, picked up rubbish, tore the newspaper off the windows, packed up the equipment and finally went home.
But not before I had my final piece of heaven. :D Thank you Bernard Ow, for saving me the last chocolate pastry, which I happily shared with Mansel and Augustine. :) You and Augustine should have so done that duet (in front of your piano teacher). X)

JOSEPH! :D I found you. No wait, that isn't right. You found me. While I was looking for you. Hahaha.
Ooh...Ipohhh. :) All the best KCC, go rock your hearts and the audience out! \m/

It's funny, but I like it. Facebook will never cease to amaze - me.

SIC and KCC.

*hearts* this one. :)

dream BIG.

I have come to the conclusion...
...that I must study chemistry (harder).
If such a career prospect is to ever remain on my list of options.
But for now, I think I'll rely on my taste buds and self-discernment.
(Sheridan's. It is unofficially on my birthday wish list. Unofficial because I don't have a wishlist.)
I also figure that it is going to be even harder for me to ever find, much less secure, a scholarship to study for any of my career options. Yes, maybe even harder than dentistry. Well, sure you could arm me with a certain amount of knowledge from a certain course, but I'm sure it wouldn't be exactly what I needed to succeed. Then again, I suppose I wouldn't want to be brainwashed into thinking a certain way when what's required of me is originality and creativity anyway.
I think I should start concentrating on chemistry, just so I'd have a back-up plan.
Yersh. (This doesn't excite me.) It's time to call on my better-associated-with-chemistry friends/soon-to-be part-time unofficial tuition teachers.
(Oh joy! I just Googled my chemistry-related career option and found I can actually study appropriate courses in Subang. :D)
(Oh no. I just Googled my other career option and the first thing that came out was that "courses on so-and-so will make you lose money because you can get that much out of any book". =.=" Fine. I'll take care of it myself, thank you.)

*          *          *

I have also come to the conclusion...
...that humans will always be just that. And that we are the humans we are because other humans make us so.
Mianhada, Saranghanda.
(I actually found someone to use those words for. *smiles*)
But I know I haven't been very considerate, or helpful, or...everything else.
And I'm sorry.
I'm just slightly wrong in the head confused.
You know what, I think I'll just face it.
I am wrong in the head.
And scared for myself. And the people around me.
Are you scared for yourself?
Oh never mind. Don't mind me. You see, I have lost it. I don't even know what I'm saying.

At least I know what I'm eating and I also know it's not good and that John Lim would probably have a FIT if he saw me now. Haha. X)
But I like milk. And I'm sure it won't stop me singing. ;)

It's Barney and Friends. ;)

Two people I know and love.
Two ends of the world.
By the end of this one month.

1. "Boyfriend". ;) I'm gonna miss you loads, even if I might not be missing you the most. And not just because you are a valuable resource. Eheh. I remember there was once you took me out with your other "girlfriend" and she wouldn't move. Ahahaha. You're blessed to be loved so much, you know? I bet you'll be happy to meet up with him Down Under. :) I would. All the best! God's got an aweosme plan for you, and you're gonna rock it. \m/ You already do. Thanks for everything. And I do mean everything.
2. I won't miss you. Ahahaha. Just kidding. I will. But then, I haven't seen you for the last couple of months and I haven't really been missing you much thanks to the miracle that is the internet. :) Well, maybe I did miss you while waiting for your reply. Haha. Thanks for everything too, especially for your time and thoughts. I didn't know composing an email was so energy-consuming until I started emailing you. But no worries, I've never thought of it as a futile effort. :) You'll do great in the Land of the Free, I'm sure. Just stick close to God like you always have, and He'll pull you through. :)

Thank you, sweetheart. :)
Even though I don't really know you either and had no idea what you were talking about.
Ahahahaha! So adorable lah you.
"You just broke up? Wanna talk?"
No, sweetheart. Hahaha.
But thank you anyway. :) You made my day. *Hugs.*

Let's say our goodbyes.

for un-confusion.

I never had to wish.
'Til now.
I wish I had more credit to message him because he's the only person who still talks to me sincerely.
Even if he might not understand me.
Even if he's going to be like her and not have an opinion of his own or be like him and ask me to just "go with the flow".
Well, face it, I don't want to go with the flow because I'm sick and tired of flowing in what I know is the wrong direction and I am not going to wait to hit rock bottom before turning around when it is possible for us to turn around now.
Things just aren't the same as they were a year ago, when I still had someone to stay up until four o'clock in the morning with while sneezing under my blankets but refusing to go to sleep just so we could stay up and talk. (And also because the chalet room was so freezing cold, and it wasn't worth sleeping for two hours just to wake up at six the next day. But then we'd learnt from our massive headaches back at The Farm.)
I used to be on the same wavelength as a lot of people, but I guess we've changed. At least it hasn't torn us apart. Half a year superglued us enough for that. I don't think I'm still on the same wavelength as her either. But still. It'd be nice to actually have time for someone and have that someone have time for you. I miss her too. Ten minutes per month isn't enough.
Her words drove a hole in my heart and made me start wondering whether it was really worth having a best friend at all. But I suppose at times, we're human, and we can't help being selfish with each other. Even if it meant her hating everything that meant the world to me? Maybe not.
I don't know what to think anymore. But I don't want to think the way he does. I don't think the way he does. Even if it's worth listening to.
So what can I do?
I'm not so easily satisfied anymore.

If I see Orion's Belt, do I get three wishes?
I wish.

memories could just be all we have left of you.

I didn't hear.
I didn't see.
I didn't know. For an hour.
I didn't think. 'Til eight hours later.
Which was when I just sat there at my dinner table in shock.

I saw this picture a few minutes ago, taken about half a year ago.
There they were, being idiots like they usually are.
That was the day he drove us out his new shiny Mercs to go pick up Josh's car.
I remember what idiots everyone was in the car.
Except me, of course.
"Dear diary...what retarded friends I have."
Hahaha. :)

I remembered, just barely a week ago.
"Come, girlfriend. Let's pray."
So we held hands, and prayed, and then he gave me a hug and then I said, "We can do this!"
And then we led praise and worship. And there I was thinking he talked too much sometimes. But it didn't bother me, because I know the kind of feeling you get when you just have a lot to tell Him.
It could have been one of the last times. But it wasn't.
:)

And then I remembered the first.
I still remember our last two songs.
Where she came to the rescue. :)
And then he told me the whole time up there his face was like, "Shit."
I think mine was too.
Haha. :)

And to think we almost lost him.
I think we would have lost ourselves too.

So I looked up at the stars one night and thought of just how enormous they were, and how we, small as we were, could still see them from a billion light years away. And I thought of the God who hung them in the sky, one by one. And I thought of how someone who had to tend to such great masterpieces still had so much power and love to enfold one little small black sheep in his arms through that ordeal.

Thank you, Lord. For that split second in which not even a prayer could have been said to save his soul. Because it was not what we could have done that could have ever stopped him from being harmed. It was you and your love for him.
:)

Really. Thank God you're alive.