heart of the matter

You know, I've come to realize that I can be pretty immature and insensitive and really bossy and occasionally snobbish and really undecided and fickle and lacking confidence in my leadership abilities or unable to lead the right way. I can be sarcastic and ignorant and just plain rude. In fact, I'm a pretty horrible child who thinks she knows more than she actually does and wants to poke her nose into everything and fight for the rights of others when she doesn't even understand what she's fighting about and usually ends up being ridiculously hypocritical.

But apparently, that's not the first thing guys see because...what was it, great guru of the human psyche? They place a lot of weight on physical appearance and first impressions? Well, something along those lines, methinks.

But intimidating? Why do I get that so much? Does my body language, the 70% of my communication, really scream intimidation?

I'm still single. Like, ikr? Because apparently, I'm intimidating. Yeah, some boys just cowardly like that.

Okay, maybe because they eventually find out that I am just a mess under this outer facade.

Okay, and also because I know I am an utter failure at commitment and romantic connections and I just blank out before them. Well, used to.

Okay, and also because I'm horribly picky and I don't know what I want and I don't have expectations - well, I do, but ignore them because they don't make sense - and I just don't know whether I'm actually reciprocating their feelings or it's just immense flattery - which doesn't happen very much anymore, by the way - which I don't want to base a relationship on because it is guaranteed failure.

And to think that my current train of thoughts goes along the line of "If I don't aim to win a competition, I aim to win phone numbers."

This is sick and wrong. I feel like such a...boy.

But, but, but...(defensive mode switched on) I'm bored! I haven't flirted with anyone in ages. Okay, months. And I've promised not to slap anyone anymore, no matter how obnoxious they are. (Okay, I'm not saying he was. I still feel so bad for that.) I won't ignore them (made a mistake then) unless they really are perverted creeps trying to stalk me (and I had no regrets about that one). And it's not like I'm even going to get attached them (learnt my lesson from you, thanks).

*sigh*

I. Fail.

At the end of the day, I'll probably pack my bags and check myself into a convent.

*      *     *

You. Are. Way too nice to me in a way that I didn't even expect from you and I don't even know why you bother because I honestly find myself so irresponsible and immature and selfish and for all you've done, you don't deserve this yet you got it and from me nonetheless and despite what I used to think of you before, I have absolutely nothing but respect for you right now - unless you're cursing me in your head, though I think you have every right to because I haven't been living up to any of your expectations, if you'd even set them for me and I'm sorry for being so terribly rude the first time I asked you something and for thinking too much and misjudging you and taking you for granted because I know I shouldn't have.

*quick breath*

I'm sorry! :'(